A Thing I'm Working On For Personal Growth

Linen Shirt// Linen Pants// Pearl Stud Earrings

outdoor picnic quilt// packable hat// sandals

I'm someone who is constantly working on myself. I keep a running list of everything I am working on. I don't believe there is such a thing as a perfect person, and we all have ways to improve in all facets of life. 

I have many things to work on, and I thought I would share one with you all today. Maybe someone can relate to this.

I actually didn't realize that anyone else felt like this until I heard Brene Brown speak of it. She talks of resentment. Before hearing her thoughts on this topic, I would not consider myself resentful toward anyone. 

You really have to watch the whole clip, but she says, '‘Resentment is a function of envy… I’m mad because why can’t I enjoy myself in my house if everything is not perfect. There is a knife up against my throat, but I am holding it.’ 

I have never heard something so relatable, especially, 'there is a knife up against my throat, but I am holding it.' 

I am the one that puts pressure on myself to have a perfectly clean and organized home, to make sure I get in a certain number of workouts/steps in a week, to make sure my life is organized, and everything is routine and on schedule, my clothes are pressed, my hair is done, etc. 

Part of that is how I thrive, and I get a lot of joy from all of that so I think there is definitely some good in that. But...

I remember the week leading up to our wedding, I spent so much time cleaning our home. Granted, that's where I got ready the morning of our wedding, so it had to be clean. But I scrubbed every single nook and cranny of that house; you could have performed surgery on the baseboards and eaten dinner off the floors. My parents and husband suggested hiring a cleaning service leading up to the wedding to remove that from my plate.  

But I wanted to do it. I wanted to make sure it was up to my standards.

I just remember thinking, 'I will be able to enjoy everything so much more knowing my house is pristine.' Which is true. I mean, was I walking down the aisle thinking, 'wow, thank goodness my house is clean? No, but I think it probably let me enjoy things overall more. It's why I clean my house before a vacation because I leave knowing everything is in order and I can come home to a clean house, and for me, that's the standard I have always held myself to. And honestly, it's truly wonderful to come home to a clean house after a long day of travel. 

Of course, that's just one example.

But my mother often says to me, 'Syd, you are putting too much pressure on yourself.' 

My mom is right. I mean, she is always right. It's uncanny sometimes. 

I have always been like this. I got good grades in school because it was a standard I held myself to. My parents weren't pressuring me. 

I am hard on myself. Again, I think there is some good to that. I hold myself to standards no one else in my life holds me to. It is all MY doing. 

So that's one of the things I am working on... being less judgemental and hard on myself. Giving myself a little more leeway. I give others the leeway; why shouldn't I give it to myself?

For me, it's harder than it sounds. This particular 'issue' is pretty niche, so many of you probably won't really 'get it' unless you 'get it,' but I think personal growth starts with self-awareness, which I am sure many of you can relate to!

Outfit

These photos are unrelated to this topic, but I thought I would share them with you all! I shot a fun project for posting on Instagram with Eric Javits, and these were the photos from that! I wrote about these linen pieces in this blog post at the end of March. They are wardrobe workhorses for me now through September!